Does Too Much Pre-Date Messaging Kill the Chemistry?

So this post is really a call for opinions and stories! While the number one thing I’ve learned through my online dating experiences is that it’s always better to be open-minded and not set too many “rules,” there’s no denying that some things just don’t work for you (and that’s okay!). So I am analyzing two general trends that I’ve seen across the apps: some people really like to chat and get to know each other, either on the app or after exchanging numbers, and some people take the route of we both obviously find each other at least moderately attractive so let’s grab a drink and see if there’s anything there.

So here’s my hypothesis – when a lot of messaging happens pre-date, one of two things generally ensues:

  • I get to know their “texting personality” and make assumptions before the date. They didn’t find my “land of the free, home of the brunch” joke funny? They are clearly boring and have no personality. Our text banter chemistry is insane so clearly we will hit it off. These assumptions can really make or break a first date so are they a good thing or something to avoid?
  • There is a sort of unspoken pressure to talk until the date. Between working all day, trying to cook more, see my friends, make time for happy hours, and exercising (okay, more like telling myself I should exercise more and then re-watching Parks and Rec instead), my week is busy, so forced or meaningless texting conversations are just not how I want to spend my time some weeks. So now I haven’t met you yet and I’m already kind of over it. Lose-lose.

Some of my favorite dates have been spontaneous, we just started talking and both happen to be free to let’s meet up situations. Some of this is probably personality – I’m a big fan of spontaneous dates and there’s a sort of excitement from the unexpectedness that instantly starts the date on a higher note. When I have a lot of pre-conceived ideas about your personality and our compatibility there’s a higher chance that I will be disappointed. If I know nothing about you other than what’s on your profile, then everything is new and tbd.

All this to ask: is this just me, or does messaging a lot pre-first date kinda kill the chemistry?

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